Yesterday my boyfriend stranded me at DFW. Disclaimer: That’s really not telling the full story, but it will agitate him as he reads over my shoulder. Anyway, I thought what better way to pass the time than to look at wedding dresses. There’s no better way to freak your boyfriend out like taking iPhone pictures of wedding dresses in a magazine.
I don’t have a strong desire to get married, but I will definitely buy a wedding dress and one of those cubic zirconia famous people engagement ring replicas found at jeandousset.com. Those waifish Friends ladies were on to something. But instead of hanging out in our apartments drinking beer, I say we take these bad boys to a Fight Club-esk, secret lair. Champagne and fancy white dresses all around! We’re here. We’re wearing wedding dresses on Tuesdays in church halls. Get used to it, society.
For those who find my plan a sacrilege, blame my mother. It’s going to be tough and frankly downright inappropriate, but I support your right to an opinion. Mama Alice talked to me about marriage a lot, but NEVER talked with me about weddings. A true hippie, for real. What I find fitting is that after about 20 years of marriage, my consignment-shopping, miso-loving mother wanted a diamond ring! What would her Chinese medicine man say?! It’s an accidental, revolutionary idea. Soon to be a trend, if I can help it. After I’m done with mamaquest, it’s on to revolutionizingweddingsquest.com. This is probably what she was thinking and will make for a good viral campaign: If I’m going to birth your kids, I damn well better be getting something shiny after 20 years! After 3 years? It’s better to lock it down than just give it away and let it run free.
Back to my point, weddings are ass backwards and the jury is out on marriage. I’m not sure what to call my parents’ marriage. Sometimes they were happy. Like in 2003 when I woke up on Christmas morning and they were making out in the kitchen. Sometimes they were not, like when I saw my mom throw a small mirror. Don’t worry. It didn’t hit Papa Joe. They had some stellar children, obviousy. But is that the formula to a successful, happy marriage? I guess. Does a great marriage make for a happy life? Psychology Today suggests no more so than singles (article here), even suggesting people are happier AFTER marriage. Do death or divorce? Great.
I’m just not sure it’s for me. I think I’d prefer a family of bastard babies. Then I can sing Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves to my children! Lord, I hope my kids aren’t duds. That’s when I’ll know there is a God and he’s not a fan of me.
If I do walk down some aisle, in front of no one in Italy, I will carry with me an astounding gratitude for Mama Alice, who said:
1. Marry someone who likes to do the same things as you.
2. A marriage will never fulfill you. It’s your job to find your passion and pursue it.
And either way I’ll be buying a wedding dress to wear in my new secret society. Here’s what I picked out the other day:
Or I can see myself romping around in this one! Housework. Grocery shopping. Volunteering. What kind disadvantaged people don’t see my need to wear a $1000-plus dress? Ungrateful vagabonds! That’s who.